Despite feeling like we are in a time warp for a few months, time continues to march on. The roller coaster of life doesn't stop and all you can do is hold on and hope for the best! It is a tough pill to swallow when you don't feel the same anymore.
So where are we right now?
Physically: The vehicles have been replaced and things have felt a lot better since we accomplished that goal. The garage has been torn down and we are awaiting word on whether or not our cement slab was damaged in the fire. It looks ok - but we aren't sure if the intense heat will cause it to crumble in the future. Also, it is very stained from soot and it smells terrible. We are hoping that the slab is ok and that we will be able to pressure wash the stains on and most of all, get the smell out so our new garage doesn't smell like a burned down garage.
Emotionally: Recovering emotionally has had its ups and downs! It gets a little easier as time goes, especially after we got the old garage torn down a few weeks ago. All of us have dealt with it in our own way. Madison had some nightmares for a few weeks. And continues to worry about the house burning down on a daily basis. Her biggest concern is that Windsor, our little dog, wouldn't get out of the house if it started on fire when we aren't home. We have seen some improvement in her anxiety about this since the garage was torn down. Mike had some nightmares and general worry - but they didn't affect him until a few weeks after. I have fear and worry that continues but is also easing as time goes on. It is interesting how something like this can affect you. I never used to worry about plugging my crockpot in or running the dryer while I was gone. Now I think about what could happen every single time I plug anything in.
I worry about my "stuff." I worry that something will happen to my car or my house and I'll have to file yet another insurance claim. For the record, I have paid deductibles on my house and both cars all at once, two times in the past two and a half years. I don't think that happens to most people once in a lifetime - let alone twice! We had hail almost three years ago that caused damage to everything and we paid all three deducitibles. And then this happens. I am honestly afraid to even call my insurance company because they must groan every time they see my name on their screen! Every time I find a letter from State Farm in my mailbox, my heart stops and I wonder if this will be the letter where our rates for through the roof or where they drop us or raise our rates beyond the point of being affordable.
For a long time, I felt a lot of guilt for worrying about my stuff so much. It's just stuff right? I often wonder if we are simply not meant to have anything but the basic necessities. Because everything that we worked hard for and bought simply because we wanted it has been taken from us in the past year.
People told me that I should just be thankful. My home and children are ok. Mike is ok. Nobody was hurt.
After awhile I realized that all of that was complete bull shit. I realized that until this happens to all the people that were telling me this, they will never understand how you feel, how you are changed. I pray to God that nobody does understand.
I am grateful that my husband, children and home are ok. We were blessed in so many ways on that cold December morning. That doesn't change the fact that we lost things that were still important to us. Things we can't get back. Things that were a part of us and pieces of our life, despite being just "things"
Wedding pictures that I put in temporary storage when I put up the Christmas decorations.
A norwegian wooden bowl that was a wedding gift also in storage while the Christmas decor was up in the house.
The Christmas Village that my Grandma left to me when she passed away. (that wasn't put up this year for fear that I would spend my days keeping Cameron's little hands away from it.)
The baby cradle that was a family heirloom, that both Madison and Cameron slept in.
The bamboo windchime that we bought on our honeymoon in Hawaii.
The cakes in the freezer that I made for Kendall and Sydney.
Madison's new bike.
The kid's life jackets.
Mike's pinewood derby cars.
My bike. (that should would be nice to have right now with these gas prices!)
I could go on and on. The list is endless. I'm sure we have forgotten a lot of things too. We'll never remember all of it.
At some point along this journey I realized that I shouldn't feel guilty for being sad, angry and scared after all of this. I don't need to "just think positive." I actually came across something about Buddhism in all of this. Now, I don't claim to know ANYTHING about Buddhism and while I'm a faithful Christian, I think we can learn a lot from other religions too. Apparently Buddha teaches that it is ok to grieve losses - it doesn't matter that you should feel grateful for everything else - it's still a loss and if you don't allow yourself to feel the loss, the negative energy will never leave. Covering it up with "positive thinking" only traps it.
That made a lot of sense to me - So many other things also focus on energy and the pathways out of our body - like acupuncture. I have to believe that energy and the channels it uses are a part of us and a part of the world around us. So I have just let myself feel sad, angry, scared…and you know what? It DOES get easier and eventually you start to feel better. It might take a few days, a week, or longer. It will happen! Some days now I feel fine and I worry less about the dryer or the crockpot burning my house down - other days I'm afraid to plug anything in because of this new fear that I have. The faintest smell of smoke is enough to send me on a hunt for something that is burning. I am just allowing myself to feel that fear and as time goes on you notice it less and less.
So. This is a really long drawn out way of saying that things are getting easier. Each day presents a new challenge. Some big, some small. The small challenges seem to be the ones that knock us down right now. Like converting our jacuzzi tub to a temporary tool chest for the few tools that we have accumulated. (Gee, a nice warm bath sure would be nice...) The simple bumps in the road, like an unexpected flat tire, make you feel like you just keep getting kicked when you're down. I imagine that eventually those things won't affect so much and life will get back to "normal."
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